Difference of Heart and Mind

Yes, I know! Been neglecting the blogging. Argh! Time just constantly seems to be running away from me. Will be trying to make a more concerted effort to post more regularly, but no promises. :P (Need a blood infusion from Chuck Wendig at http://www.terribleminds.com He blogs every DAY! Dude!)

Anyway, back to the subject at hand - mind over matter, heart over mind, logic over illogic.

I've been having to see a number of specialists in the last few months as I've been trying to narrow down some overall health issues. Nothing life threatening just inconvenient. It's been like a mystery hunt, striking off possibilities one by one. (Was amazed at the difference in life it makes to be Vitamin D deficient! Holy moly!) Truly amazing how sometimes the simple things can totally create major havok! Eek!

So after some chest x-rays, then a cat scan, then some ultrasounds, it was decided I had some nodules growing from my thyroid nodes. Saw the thyroid specialist (Side item -- both times I went to see specialists for the first time in Nov/Dec it snowed in Texas! At no other time but on those days, and down to the hour before the appointments! Oooo!), who after doing his own lookie-see with his ultrasound rig at the office said he'd need to get samples of my little darlings to get tested for the Big C. (My Christmas Eve present. Hah!)

Okay...have to come back a week later. Going to insert long needles into my throat to get a sample of the little darlings. No biggie. They've done it hundreds if not thousands of times... Get a local anesthetic I will apply myself. Nothing to worry about...

Tick tock tick tock.

So I do some research. (Had done some even before I saw him the first time.) Nothing to worry about. Simple procedure. But...I've never had it done to ME before...

It's amazing how something you know is routine takes a whole other aspect in the panic of the heart/feelings when it needs to be done to you. It's a whole other ballgame than when it happens to the other guy.

The night before I'm bouncing off the walls and working like mad not to think about it. Heck, I can feel my pressure rising just thinking about it now and I've already had it done and it was NO BIG DEAL! (Could it be an age thing? A heightened sense of mortality? huh.)

Was originally going to go to work then go to the appointment, but a rescheduling request from the doc put it in the AM so I just decided I would skip work that day (also was going to meet some peeps I'd not seen in years for lunch so that just put it over the edge and I took the day off. Nice too as I then was able to spend 3 hours yakking at a Chili's. Had a blast!)

Ah, watch me digress. You naughty author you. Or is that just the fear talking? Anyway, I drove myself to my doom after applying the anesthetic cream to my throat and wrapping it in Saran wrap. (Hey, doctor's instructions! Not my idea, no way! I know I have no fashion sense, but Saran wrap as a clothing accessory? Get real.) (I did make the joke at the doc's office though, could not help myself. I looked so stylish! NOT. :P)

Bouncing like a nutjob inside my own skull, outwardly appearing mostly calm and sedate. Of course, I warned the nurse upfront I was nervous when I got taken to the patient room and she went to do the usual blood pressure test. 160 over 80. Not a surprise to me! She tells me how they do 20 or more of these a week, already did one that morning. I know she's trying to help me relax a little, but she does not understand... I know all this. I just makes NO difference! lol. (Mostly I feel like an idiot for the irrational fear, but still can't do a thing about it. Should have seen me on the first visit to the acupuncturist. Hah!)

I'll give the doc this, he definitely knew how to make the ordeal as easy for himself and the patient as possible. He made sure I closed my eyes before he did anything so you would never see the needle. The pillow beneath your shoulder to shoot your neck up to make an better working surface helps keep you from seeing too much too. I got one side of the neck better with the anesthetic than the other, but it was never more painful than having blood drawn, though I must say the sensation of him slipping it deeper once he got it in was funky. They also took ultrasound pics during the procedure as he was using that to see where he was going. Three stabs per globule. He hit a minor blood vessel on the last one which he explained would leave a bruise on my neck. No biggie to me (though I think he was unhappy at himself). I've had six inch long bruises from bad blood drawings once or twice. A half inch is nothing.

Out of there in a half hour. Minimum of fuss or muss. Yet I know if I had to do it again, I would most likely be freaking out deep inside just as bad as the first time. Familiarity would breed contempt, but I don't think I want to go through it that many times to get there! lol.

It's just amazing to me how even knowing better, I could not stop the fear from having a party. Bastard! (But I will probably use this in a story somewhere! No experience is wasted to a writer - none. Bwahahahahahaha!)